My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
The Weeknd is back
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once