My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
You Might Also Like
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?