My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall