My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
we’re dead?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.