@jaymahonei: my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn't want such a beautiful child he should've kept it in his pants
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@davidgrossTV: ME: I'll have the burger. WAITER: And how do you like your burger? ME: I don't know. You haven't brought it to me yet.
@ibid78: [financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116 [me] *slips her $100* let's make it 112 [her] now it's 120
@markleggett: You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "cheat days" when you can eat as many as you like.