@jaymahonei: my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn't want such a beautiful child he should've kept it in his pants
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@OBiiieeee: i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl's keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
@Underchilde: “I don’t mean to tell you how to do your job, but...” —People who are found buried in the woods
@jimmytorosian: [commercial] Narrator: These are real people and not actors- Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!
@CoopSoSarc: Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago