Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush