Body by Oreos
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…