My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
What’s a Messi?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.