@mariokeyparty: My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father
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@Mr_Kapowski: If you're ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill. Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.
@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
@walks_on_legs: Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
@SamGrittner: If Captain America doesn't have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn't fighting for the America I want to live in.