My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman