Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job