One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
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My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
bears
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
How animals would run if they were human
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing