My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
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Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
They got a point!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”