My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*