My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
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my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
u spoke cat all this time??????
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first