@ISOremarkable: my dad didn't let me date untill i was pregnant...
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@AmericanGent69: Reasons I work out. 1) I don't wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned. 2) I guess to be healthy
@KeetPotato: wife: "im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it" store owner: "it's okay" me: [lying in a coffin] "the first one was better"
@TheToddWilliams: [Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day