my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
“I FIXED IT!”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me