MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.