MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one