Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
When you let grandma cat sit
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.