@vicki_gurley: My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..
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@thenatewolf: *a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."