@U_Want_Shum_M8: *sees a hot christian girl* Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs? Friend: That's a cross. Me: across from where?

@JermHimselfish: A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@WineMummy: "DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!" ~A parent's memoir.

@RidiculousSheri: You know what cats don't like? Blow dryers. You know what's funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat. Anyway, I lost an eye today.

@Home_Halfway: CHEF: You're fired ME: Is it cause I call beef patty's "beef patricias?" CHEF: Yes ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef- CHEF: GET OUT