@U_Want_Shum_M8: *sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That's a cross.
Me: across from where?
@JermHimselfish: A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
@WineMummy: "DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!"
~A parent's memoir.
@RidiculousSheri: You know what cats don't like? Blow dryers.
You know what's funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
@Home_Halfway: CHEF: You're fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty's "beef patricias?"
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
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