My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
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Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.