My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
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Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.