My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.