My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
You Might Also Like
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure