Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.