I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
no regrets
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I didn’t come here to be called names