@SortaBad: My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the 'Silver Table Cat' wasn't a real species, and that we didn't own a pet, we owned a toaster
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@BestScienceJoke: The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
@desi_princess: I told my boss I'm calling in sick today. He said, "You can't do that when you're already here." Is that true you guys?
@Chumpstring: [The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol] DREW: ooh that's 8 days in the hole CONTESTANT: what? [hole opens in the ground]
@MichaelGoffLA: Apparently organ donation has to be *your own* organ and this police officer has a lot of questions.