@SortaBad: My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the 'Silver Table Cat' wasn't a real species, and that we didn't own a pet, we owned a toaster
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@gingerfaced: My current diet all ends with an S. Pizzas. Hamburgers. Tacos. Nachos. Everything that's in sights.
@PaperWash: if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
@Fred_Delicious: "sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?" "officer, I'm..." *turns to camera* "double jointed" *cop starts breakdancing*