@SortaBad: My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the 'Silver Table Cat' wasn't a real species, and that we didn't own a pet, we owned a toaster
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@click4amanda: Officer: "Do you know why I'm standing here?" Me: "You got all C's in High School?"
@Rollmaninoz: *walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table*
@MissNaughty1801: My mother in law:did you put the weight on? Me:no...actually I've lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
@KKBowls: I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it -- it just fell and ran away. I was all, 'Oh my God, he knows what I look like.'