My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
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You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
This is my bus stop.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…