My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I want this so bad
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)