My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*