@aveuaskew: My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
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@SlenderSwab: Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn't removed the one from yesterday
@MissNaughty1801: The worst thing about finding out Santa isn't real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
@realHamOnWry: Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.
@Bob_Janke: If you spend "up to $9000" on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.