@aveuaskew: My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
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@BadJordon: [SPEED DATING] HER: Hi, is this seat free? ME: By all means. HER: *drags chair across room ME: WTF? HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
@joejwest: ME: [bumps man] MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry ME: No MAN: Then I'll see you in court ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won't
@petemandik: I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.