@aveuaskew: My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
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@Love_bug1016: If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
@LizHackett: Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"
@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
@abysmalkittybee: I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they'll know how much I exaggerate my problems.