My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Dishonest mechanic?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
we all know this pain all too well
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people