put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…