Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”