da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
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Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet