@OhNoSheTwitnt: My dad said he couldn't get into Game of Thrones because he doesn't like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
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@gerryhallcomedy: Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.
@chrissyissie: Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn't want him to bless me
@ilovepie84: Mall security asked me to empty my pockets. My response was "you won't find a better job or respect in my pockets"
@tastefactory: There's a spider that's been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he's essentially also watching Shrek.