My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Rt to bother an English speaker