My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
My god she’s good.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.