My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
🤣🤣🤣
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club