friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?