Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I can’t deal with men any longer
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.