My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.