My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?