My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.