My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
British websites use biscuits.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy