My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!