My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.