My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I hate everything
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.