@findmydolls: My dad wanted to name me, "Rusty," if I was a boy. Thank you, X chromosomes.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that's true? WOLVERINE: Nah, don't listen to her
@Yair_Rosenberg: Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn't do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
@KizerBillhelm: I just got a Facebook invite to my brother's non-alcoholic Mormon wedding. I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
@IamEnidColeslaw: when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS