My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?