@NotARatsAss: My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.
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@toni_goldsetin: My mom always has these great sayings for life, like "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "Everybody hates you."
@SaraMansford: Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
@ArfMeasures: GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy's good