6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater