My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.