“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan