[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
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Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?